"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."

"They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded."

"I just bought a microwave fireplace. You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes."

"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night."

"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."

"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"

"If dracula can't see his reflection in the mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?"

"All Faith is false, all Faith is true: Truth is the shattered mirror strown In myriad bits; while each believes His little bit the whole to own."

"This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet."

"Since the printing press came into being, poetry has ceased to be the delight of the whole community of man; it has become the amusement and delight of the few."

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her."

"I am a law only for my kind, I am no law for all."